Meanwhile.. in Kauai

Meanwhile in Kauai…

While in Kauai I wrote a new blog post and then lost Internet access and couldn’t post it.  So finally, here it is…

To those of you who are actually loyal to this blog I apologize for my extended absence.  To those of you who aren’t… well… that sucks.  I’m currently sitting here in Kauai on a lawn chair, staring at the ocean.   No seriously… I am, look….

 And it dawned on me that there are greater needs in the world than my own tanning need and I shouldn’t be so selfish as to deprive those who are really seeking guidance.  That’s why I’m killing two birds by granting my expertise while simultaneously creating the most bomb tan ever.

No, but seriously, please don’t expect this to be long, I can’t afford to get weird laptop tan lines, DUH!

So, just like everything else we try to do in life, going on vacay sins BFF can pose difficult.  And I’m not talking about SINS right now, but rather sins… AKA without.  I am currently 3,000 miles away from my Lucy... my wing woman, the beezy responsible for making all of my jokes seem funnier than they actually are. 

My first thought?  How the hell am I going to rage?  My second? How am I gonna meet guys?  Like hello?!?! Every fricking vacation has to have a vacation boyfriend!

Like Jason... my Aussie Vegas boyfriend.

Or Corey… my Cancun boyfriend

Or Kevin… my Cabo boyfriend. 

Or Zack… my other Vegas boyfriend.

Still lost? I’ll give a brief intro to this concept.  Basically your vacation boyfriend is your go-to guy for that vacation ONLY.

Rule #1) DON’T SLEEP WITH HIM!… That’s slutty and I'm not trying to cross the fine line that lies between slutty and slizzard. You just hang out with him and maybe make out in the pool or something. He’s more or less a new person to meet and party with.  BUT THATS IT.

Rule #2) Life moves on and you go your separate ways at the end of the week.

And by separate ways I mean: 

Turns out Jason had a real girlfriend (unbeknownst to me).  I haven’t talked to Corey since I got back from Cancun a year and a half ago.  Kevin is super cool and occasionally we catch up via facebook and say hi, but that’s about it. And Zack? Well I think he got the hint. 

So moving on.  I was worried.  This no-BFF situation posed some potential problems.  So here’s what went down. 

Being at a family oriented resort implied that the guy I had my eye on was also among family members.  This quickly removed the old drunken-bump-into-you-in-the-pool-by-accident maneuver.  His mom could have been nearby or something.

Relax.  Just like I said in my Birthday Edition: we make our own luck.  Actually, I don't think I said that... but that was more or less the point of the post.

First, don’t look eager.  I get it, you're on vacation and there are hot, tan, shirtless guys out. I know you may be eager, but at least try to look like you give zero fucks. Make him find you.  He will. Remember he’s eager too.  I promise, if you’re hot he will find you.

Next, try to look occupied with a book or even more mysterious and fucking sophisticated… a kindle (DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for any broken kindles whether it be from sand or water). 

Third, try to leave your spot and return a lot.  He’ll constantly be wondering where you went.  Is she still here? Did she find another guy?  Did she go back to her room? Is she at the bar?  The curiosity will kill him enough until finally he will take a seat in the pool next to the chair you’ve been laying in. 

When you return from doing whatever you went to do, and see him sitting near your chair, abort your careless efforts.  At this point he put in the first move and you can stop looking like you’re occupied and return the next move by getting in the pool and saying hi.

And I mean if you don’t know what to do next, well, I’m sorry but there’s no hope for you.  I guess you’ll just have to call your Lucy to go over yours Re's and complain about how there are kids fucking EVERYWHERE.

That’s all the brilliant advice I have for today.

You Are Welcome, 

Kylie