Meanwhile.. in Kauai

Meanwhile in Kauai…

While in Kauai I wrote a new blog post and then lost Internet access and couldn’t post it.  So finally, here it is…

To those of you who are actually loyal to this blog I apologize for my extended absence.  To those of you who aren’t… well… that sucks.  I’m currently sitting here in Kauai on a lawn chair, staring at the ocean.   No seriously… I am, look….

 And it dawned on me that there are greater needs in the world than my own tanning need and I shouldn’t be so selfish as to deprive those who are really seeking guidance.  That’s why I’m killing two birds by granting my expertise while simultaneously creating the most bomb tan ever.

No, but seriously, please don’t expect this to be long, I can’t afford to get weird laptop tan lines, DUH!

So, just like everything else we try to do in life, going on vacay sins BFF can pose difficult.  And I’m not talking about SINS right now, but rather sins… AKA without.  I am currently 3,000 miles away from my Lucy... my wing woman, the beezy responsible for making all of my jokes seem funnier than they actually are. 

My first thought?  How the hell am I going to rage?  My second? How am I gonna meet guys?  Like hello?!?! Every fricking vacation has to have a vacation boyfriend!

Like Jason... my Aussie Vegas boyfriend.

Or Corey… my Cancun boyfriend

Or Kevin… my Cabo boyfriend. 

Or Zack… my other Vegas boyfriend.

Still lost? I’ll give a brief intro to this concept.  Basically your vacation boyfriend is your go-to guy for that vacation ONLY.

Rule #1) DON’T SLEEP WITH HIM!… That’s slutty and I'm not trying to cross the fine line that lies between slutty and slizzard. You just hang out with him and maybe make out in the pool or something. He’s more or less a new person to meet and party with.  BUT THATS IT.

Rule #2) Life moves on and you go your separate ways at the end of the week.

And by separate ways I mean: 

Turns out Jason had a real girlfriend (unbeknownst to me).  I haven’t talked to Corey since I got back from Cancun a year and a half ago.  Kevin is super cool and occasionally we catch up via facebook and say hi, but that’s about it. And Zack? Well I think he got the hint. 

So moving on.  I was worried.  This no-BFF situation posed some potential problems.  So here’s what went down. 

Being at a family oriented resort implied that the guy I had my eye on was also among family members.  This quickly removed the old drunken-bump-into-you-in-the-pool-by-accident maneuver.  His mom could have been nearby or something.

Relax.  Just like I said in my Birthday Edition: we make our own luck.  Actually, I don't think I said that... but that was more or less the point of the post.

First, don’t look eager.  I get it, you're on vacation and there are hot, tan, shirtless guys out. I know you may be eager, but at least try to look like you give zero fucks. Make him find you.  He will. Remember he’s eager too.  I promise, if you’re hot he will find you.

Next, try to look occupied with a book or even more mysterious and fucking sophisticated… a kindle (DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for any broken kindles whether it be from sand or water). 

Third, try to leave your spot and return a lot.  He’ll constantly be wondering where you went.  Is she still here? Did she find another guy?  Did she go back to her room? Is she at the bar?  The curiosity will kill him enough until finally he will take a seat in the pool next to the chair you’ve been laying in. 

When you return from doing whatever you went to do, and see him sitting near your chair, abort your careless efforts.  At this point he put in the first move and you can stop looking like you’re occupied and return the next move by getting in the pool and saying hi.

And I mean if you don’t know what to do next, well, I’m sorry but there’s no hope for you.  I guess you’ll just have to call your Lucy to go over yours Re's and complain about how there are kids fucking EVERYWHERE.

That’s all the brilliant advice I have for today.

You Are Welcome, 

Kylie

Finding Bliss: Birthday Edition

Sometimes finding bliss can feel a little bit like trying to find Asian food on a Sunday; nearly impossible. But we live in the year 2012 so if you just can’t seem to find your sushi, pad thai, or chow mein on your own, just ask fucking Siri. 

What I’m trying to say is this: 

I’m not going to sit here and assess the many possible ways to find your own bliss (I’ve already tried that once and it didn’t work out so well) but what I will do is tell you about the moments of my own bliss I found this Memorial Day weekend. 

First of all, rollerblades.  Yes, I said it, and quite frankly I don’t get what all the fuss is about.  Everyone keeps telling Nat and I how freaking cool it is that we bought used rollerblades and wrist-guards.  But the way I see it is like this:

Roller Odyssey skate night = awesome

Portland waterfront= awesome

Roller Odyssey skate night + Portland waterfront = (2)awesome

(2)awesome = awesome + awesome

awesome + awesome = fucking bliss duh!

Its simple math and we shouldn’t be envied for our abilities to solve basic algebraic expressions.   After all, I’m nearly a college graduate and my coolness isn’t reflected by my use of rollerblades but rather my tight fucking personality and my funny best friend. 

Secondly, Natalie has an uncanny ability to always have the perfect toast for our shots.  Whether it be “cheers to your girlfriend” (that we all knew didn’t exist) or “cheers to not doing drugs” she seems to come up with the wittiest shit at the most impeccable of times.  So I’ll make a quick cheers to her and the tight people we hung out with this weekend. 

Natalie told me that if my life was a sitcom this would be title picture with my supporting characters around me lol

Third, fire-pit.  My parents have been remodeling their house for quite some time now and recently just renovated some of the backyard.  This included a new fire-pit, which we use regularly and drank next to last night.  But I’d be lying if I said it was as good as the pit we had in Medford.  Some of my favorite memories are from when I was 19 years old, back from Hawaii for the summer, with 20 people in my backyard chillin by the fire.  Mimosas were a hit that summer.

The only decent pic I could find of me and a few friends by our fire pit in Medford in 2008

Finally, I was able to jump on the iPhone bandwagon this weekend so my commitment to Mac is finally legit.  I can’t believe I used to say I hated Mac.  Stupid stupid stupid.  Let’s be honest, this was obviously before I figured out life in general. 

Oh, and did I mention it’s my birthday today? Because it is.  And I have the best BFF in the world.  She made my day super special even though I had to work and go to school.  Looks like I owe her a few pulls of the Best Friend Card. Head up, Eyes Open Nat!!

Find Your Bliss

      xoxo,

          Kylie

SINS

SINS

I've failed to write on finding bliss in a while, however I have discovered I am much MUCH closer to bliss than I was when I started this blog.  And its all because I have been able to be myself without feeling pressured to conform like I always used to.  Here's a little background on my new discovery. 

When I first heard the term “sorry I’m not sorry” I immediately fell in love.  It was as if God himself sent me a phrase that could describe exactly how I feel 90% of the time.  Its literally my favorite discovery since my discovery of the word “jenky” in ’08 (which I still use today).  Upon using “sorry I’m not sorry” every day for weeks, an acronym emerged.  SINS.  It’s pretty much mine and my friend’s favorite thing to say now. 

Partied four nights in a row? SINS!

Skipped class to sleep in? SINS

Woke up wearing the outfit you wore last night? SINS!

 I don't know this girl... but she's definitely grasped the concept of SINS.

See what I mean?  It’s the perfect explanation for almost anything.  By saying SINS you're saying "judge me all you want, but this is me."

Friday morning I took SINS a step further and made it a verb.  My friend and I were on our way home doing some necessary recapping, which, like always, induced some minor embarrassment.  That’s when I said “whatever I’m just gonna SINS it.”  All-time new fav. 

Then, yesterday at work, a friend of mine said “You know what you did? You just slapped some SINS on it,” and later "he just took a huge SINS slap to the face!"

My younger brother has been SINSing it up since the day he was born.  He actually has his own phrase that he's made famous among his friends back home.  "I give zero fucks!"

Dylan, giving zero fucks. 

You see, SINS has become more than just a word to me.  Its become a lifestyle.  Its become the nudge I always needed to unapologetically be myself.  Its me telling any and everybody "take it or leave it, this is me."  I’m telling you now, SINS is catching on and when you hear your mother’s sisters’s boyfriend using the word SINS, you’ll know I started that shit.

SINS.

Sunday: Day of the "Re's"

If you and your best aren’t aware that Sunday is your day then you have some serious studying up to do.  For those of us who are BFF Veterans we know that Sunday is the day of the Re’s (Recover, Recap, and Reason).

Recover:

Upon waking up next to 3 other people in your friend’s king-size tempurpedic the recovery process begins.  This starts by nursing that hangover with an immediate bottle of water (vets place a bottle next to the bed the night before) and IBprofin along with a first class ride back to your car parked downtown via taxi or your neighbor.

Hint: be sure get to the car before the meters start again.  For us Portlanders this is at 1pm on Sundays.

Once you make it to the car buckle up and head to brunch.  Brunch is nearly as important to the recovering process as it is to the Recap.

Recap:

This really just begins when you wake up and lasts all day long.  Slowly funny instances from the night before will jog your memory and you and your BFF(s) can laugh your asses off about how and why you have taco bell cheese all over the bed, and/or who the fuck the rando on the couch was.

Depending on what your upcoming week looks like, your post-brunch Sunday could vary.  I’ve spent entire Sundays on my couch watching One Tree Hill on DVD (Lucy at my side obvi).   However, its rare that our lives don’t demand some form of productivity.  Typically for me, I have to make up for all the procrastinating I’ve done and study for class on Monday.   Not to worry.  If your friends are as cool as mine, you will find a way to study whilst still achieving the Re’s.   See photo below.

After lots of Recapping, you’re sure to have some post-traumatic stress.  Let’s be honest, you’re not exactly thrilled to find out you popped a squat in the Taco Bell drive-thru line.  This is when we get to our third Re.

Reason:

I am a pro at reasoning and justifying just exactly why something I or my BFF did is not only okay but for the better. 

A typical convo for my friends and me may look like this:

            “Its okay that you peed in the drive thru line, Lucy.  You really had to go and holding it is bad for you.”

            “Exactly, had you held it, you would have gotten a UTI and been in a ton of pain right now.”

            “It was a dire situation where you chose your health over your social stigma.  You made the right choice.“

           

Can you see how you can manipulate anything in order to feel better?  This is clearly a terrible scenario, yet you can trick your mind into making yourself think it’s actually good.  I swear it works. 

Oh Sunday’s you will forever be a cherished day full of rituals and bonding time. I can hardly wait for summer when the Reasoning takes place next to the pool instead of next to text books.  

The Rando

We all know him.  He’s the random guy that buys you and Lucy a drink and expects that to mean you’re going to hang out with him the rest of the night. So sorry to disappoint you Rando, but Lucy and I are about ten times your hotness level and we’re really just trying to be nice.  And by nice I mean we don’t want to have to buy our own drinks. 

The Rando can be a real damper on your night if you don’t know how to get rid of him.  Sometimes we are forced to choose… Take the free drink and be stuck with the guy for the next hour? Or bounce with no attachment.  I’m here to tell you, you can have the best of both worlds.  How you ask?

Rule number 1.  Lose the fucking guilt.  Seriously, you girls who “feel bad” for leaving a guy who buys you a drink need to reevaluate your priorities.  Nowhere does it say in some sort of fucking rule book that by accepting a free drink you are signing a verbal contract.  The guy asked if he could buy you a drink and you said yes.  You did not say “Yes and I would really like to get to know you on a personal level and exchange numbers.”  No.  All you owe is a simple smile, and a “thank you.”  Once you can lose the guilt you’ll be much more successful in losing your Rando.

But lets be honest, the biggest douchebags are the most relentless.  A smile and “thank you” guarantees little if any refuge.  So how to lose the Rando after you’ve received the drink?  There’s always the “I’m gonna go smoke” line in which case you pretend to go outside to smoke and then just leave.  The problem with this method is that 1) unless you ordered shots you won’t have enough time to drink the drink and 2) there is a good chance that he will want to smoke too. 

There ‘s also the bathroom trip.  After all, he can’t fallow you there.  But this too warrants some possible errors.  If the bar is small, you won’t be able to get out without him seeing you and furthermore, a true relentless rando will already be preparing for your get-away by camping out next to the door.

So you can’t go smoke and going to the bathroom only promises a limited amount of privacy.  And lets be honest, if you ditch this guy, that bitch karma will make sure that you run into him at the bar next weekend making you feel extremely awkward. 

I’ll tell you what I do.  First, get another drink outta him.  Take advantage of the fact that you won’t have to pay and can save that money for a new pair of heels.  Then, after you have a good buzz going, simply look at him and say “Hey we’re gonna go over to the other bar, but I’ll text you!”   Quickly head for the door, smile, and wave before he has the chance to realize that you don’t have his number let alone his name. 

In the unfortunate event that Karma sends him your way again do NOT ignore him.  It’s rude and bitchy and looks bad.  Instead be a bitch on the inside and say something like “Oh my gosh I’m so glad I ran into you! I never got your number to text you!”  The dumb card works for pretty girl. 

So there you go.  It’s not a foolproof system but its definitely worked in the past.  Ask my Lucy.  I’ve had to bail her out too many times.   

Wing-Woman

Finding bliss isn’t all hearts and rainbows.  It can be hard fucking work.  Unfortunately if you want anything in this world you have to put some hard ass work into it.  And because we have concluded that part of finding bliss is finding your Lucy, then we must also accurately consider what this job entails.

One of the most defining and important roles of a Lucy is wing-woman.  Let me tell you, wing-woman can be a dirty job.  It can be an especially dirty job if you have a best friend like mine… but hey, a Lucy’s gotta do what she’s gotta do.  And so we continue…

Meet Stu.  Stu is NOT the hot guy Lucy is into.  Stu is the unfortunate looking, shy, friend of the hot guy Lucy is into.  Stu will spend the rest of his life relying on his bros for a 10 percent chance at some action.  Stu will most likely sit in your passenger seat as Lucy plays the BFF card and makes you chauffer the crew home, so she can make-out in the back seat with her guy.  Stu, will awkwardly stand a good 10 feet away from you at all times, as he is completely intimidated by you until you are at least 5 shots deep.   Stu will let his bro do all the talking for him.  Bro will go on about how Stu is a really cool guy and you should let him chill with you and maybe even cuddle.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!  What? Cuddle?  Stu wants to cuddle?  No he doesn’t want to cuddle.  “Cuddle” in bro-language means "Fuck" . Bros think that if they use the word “cuddle” that dumb ass girls will be like “Aw that’s sweet he want’s to cuddle” and I guarantee it actually works majority of the time for them.  Hot Guy/Bro clearly hasn’t met you because if he had he would know you aren’t stupid enough to fall for his bullshit “cuddle” line.   And furthermore what girl is down to cuddle with a rando???  Not this one.

The thing is, the role of wing-woman is a vital job requirement.  But it can only go so far and a true Lucy will get that.  Basically, it’s your job to entertain Stu long enough until you can fake having to wake up early in the morning and go to bed.  That way Stu crashes on the couch and Bro and Lucy go about doing whatever they want to do.  Stu may not be happy but that’s not really the point.  You’re happy alone in bed “cuddle” free and Lucy is happy with hot guy/bro.  Its not always an ideal night, but like I said, it comes with the territory. 

Let's Be Honest

Honesty is a key attribute to the Lucy name and one slip-up could be detrimental to your future domination of the world (aka your social group).   But just as every rule has its exceptions, so does this one.

Exception #1

            Do not tell your BFF shit she doesn’t want to hear.

           

Example) You see her ex-boyfriend making out with her enemy. 

She doesn’t want to hear it, nor do you want to have to pick up the fucking pieces of her heart you just shattered across the fucking room.

Exception #2

            Whether you care about her drama or not, you ALWAYS do.

Example) For the 20^th time that month she’s met a guy that she is going to marry and he hasn’t texted her back in 3 hours.

We obviously have our more important shit to worry about, but letting her know that is just rude.  Lots of  “That fucking sucks. What a douchebag” or “He’s probably at the gym” is always helpful and after a while becomes a natural repeat.

           

Exception #3

The other girl is always ugly.  She may be a super hot Maxim model, but if she’s the competition, trust me, she’s fucking ugly.

Example) While on facebook you and Lucy  “happen to come across” the profile of Lucy’s competition.  Your reaction can be one of the following and nothing else

A)   “She’s not even that pretty”

B)    “She’s not even cute”

C)   “Ew”

D)   “OMG don’t even worry about her”

E)   something similar to the above

Exception #4

One of you will always be ready first.  Whoever is ready first will be anxious to get out of the house and off to the bars to show off how cute she looks.  In order to calm this person's nerves it is ok to say you’ll “be ready in 5 minutes” when you know it’s really more like 30.  Tell her to make some pre-pre-game shots.  Keeping her busy will keep the attention off you.

In addition to these exceptions, there is also a major false exception that I want to address.  Many BFFs believe they must always tell their Lucy she looks good even if she doesn’t.  This is the biggest load of bullshit and if your Lucy does this, she’s not a true BFF.  It is part of your Lucy Duty to tell your BFF when she’s not looking up to par.  Like, fucking duh! You both represent each other and no one wants to be represented by last season’s trend or lack-luster hair.  She should be grateful for your input and saving her from social blunders.